A journey from deep depression to mental health advocacy

All I wanted to do was die. If I could just clean out my gutters and “accidentally” fall off the roof, all of my problems would be solved. My misery would be over. My family would get life insurance and would be financially stable; they wouldn’t have to live with asinine judgment by small minded people that blame the victim for their death. Or, I could slam my car into a support column of a bridge on the highway; maybe I could make it look like I was swerving to avoid a deer and slammed into a tree. If I didn’t have my seat belt on, then I would definitely die, but I’d have to make sure it's a tree that is big and can take the impact.

That was how warped my thinking was on a minute-by-minute basis after being ravaged by Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I was euphoric for death; that's all I wanted. I didn’t fantasise about my next vacation or getting a big promotion at work: I was consumed with thoughts of death.

Mental illness: A silent public health crisis

No one asks for MDD. Certain diseases are accepted by society and certain diseases are not, and Serious Mental Illness (SMI) is the poster child for the stigma that comes from that lack of acceptance.

This is a public health crisis; however, because SMI is so misunderstood and cloaked by stigma, there isn’t enough panic. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the leading cause of disability worldwide is depression, and half of patients with depression have the treatment-resistant form of it.

What’s more, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention indicates that mental health conditions including depression are a risk factor for suicide.¹ Because of the stigma surrounding mental illness, patients often wait to seek treatment until it’s too late, the average person diagnosed with depression waiting a decade before they seek treatment, according to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing.² So, that is 10 years of needlessly suffering before trying to get help. How effective would treatments be for any of the socially acceptable diseases if you waited a decade to get help?

Neurological diseases are often treated very differently. There is an instantaneous sadness when you hear someone was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. A circuit is off in their brain, and they must live within their new reality, such as tremors and limited mobility. When you live with a SMI, a circuit is also off in your brain, yet all too often, people are looked down upon or viewed as weak.

The promise of electrical brain stimulation

I was diagnosed with MDD over a decade ago, which quickly became treatment resistant. During that arduous journey to find relief, I watched myself become a worse father, husband, employee, and friend. From the outside, I looked like I had it all: my career was advancing and I was my typical extroverted self in public. I wasn’t faking it. I was using all my energy and my emotional intelligence to keep going and try to succeed. But inside I was decaying.

I tried over 10 different medications. I attended two 30-day residential treatment programmes. I attended three separate partial hospitalization plans and intensive outpatient programs. I tried every single type of talk therapy available. I tried transcranial magnetic stimulation; I tried electroconvulsive therapy. The only thing that changed in me after all of this was that the disease got stronger.

After 10 years of fighting, I was one of only a handful of people accepted into a clinical trial for a procedure called deep brain stimulation (DBS). DBS works by resetting the brain using electrical pulses. I quickly came to learn that electricity was my medicine: it was all that I needed. The doctors and scientists added 22,500,000 electrical pulses per day to my brain, and I was instantly ‘cured’. Literally, overnight. I didn’t feel the disease ravaging my body; I stopped having suicidal thoughts. I desired being around my friends and family again. And, for the first time in years, I desired intimacy and affection.

Now, I am living a bonus life, and I am dedicating every second I have left on this planet to advocate for the millions of patients suffering with serious mental illness. I am here to fight for them. I am here to pulverise the stigma of mental illness.

A deeper understanding of mental illness

A big part of my advocacy is around education and helping people change their thought process, to understand that mental illness is in fact a brain disease. In addition to medical treatment, one of the most overlooked, yet critical, aspects to helping people who suffer from mental illness is showing compassion. Being sympathetic to what that person is going through. Being kind to them. Treating them like you would if they told you they were diagnosed with any other horrible disease.

It’s equally important for people to better understand the physiological grip that mental illness has on the mind and body. Case in point: many people who suffer from MDD find themselves unable to physically do very basic daily activities, such as brushing their teeth or walking their dog. The medical term for this is avolition, which is associated with a decrease in the ability to initiate and persist in self-directed, goal-oriented activities.

It wasn’t until the morning of my surgery that one of my doctors explained avolition to me. Seeing myself make bad choice after bad choice for a decade made me feel awful about myself: knowing there was a medical reason that made it almost impossible to simply take a shower was amazing to understand. It made me feel slightly less bad about myself. An inability to function in your daily life is caused by avolition, whereas many people tend to think that a person with MDD is simply being weak or lazy. This is another common misconception that makes people already suffering feel even worse. Could you imagine saying to a patient with advanced cancer, ’Just get out of bed and go for a run’? Or, ‘Just change your attitude and be more positive and you’ll feel better’?

The path forward – Eliminating the stigma of mental illness

Eliminating the stigma of mental illness won’t happen overnight. It will take a disciplined, multi-faceted approach involving education, compassion, and advocacy. The first step is recognising that mental illnesses like MDD are brain diseases – they’re not character flaws. The only way we make can make a difference is sharing this simple, but powerful fact with everyone in your circles to start shifting society’s misperceptions.

Step two is even easier, yet often overlooked: show compassion and kindness. Approach mental illness with the same compassion you would offer to someone with a physical illness. Recognise that people with mental health conditions aren’t lazy or weak – they are battling a serious and deadly disease. It’s critical to be supportive. Listening without casting judgment can make a serious difference in their lives.

Finally, if we’re really going to make a change, we need to collectively support and lend our voices to mental health awareness campaigns, like National Mental Health Awareness Month each May, and to non-profits dedicated to brain research.

There’s much more that can be done, but this an important step in the right direction. Through education, compassion, and advocacy, together we can profoundly change the way this deadly disease is viewed and, in turn, eliminate needless suffering and save millions of lives worldwide.